*I didn’t publish this the day I wrote it — on Dhev’s first birthday, but I should have. So I’m doing it now…even though it just kind of stops and I never finished it. I like it so its going up.*
The clock and I are not usually on the best of terms. It rarely says what I want it to. It makes me wait and rushes me. My own rythym just doesn’t match up with the 60 mins in an hour, 24 hours in a day thing. And that’s ok. In fact, I kind of love it. But today…today Mr. Clock had my back.
When I wake up in the morning, I hear before I see. My ears perk up and sounds start floating in, piling up, and knocking against the back of my eyes until they have to open. Then I blink, rub my eyes, and everyday for the last year, nuzzle my sweet babe. I smell his hair, touch his cheek, or just stare at him in peace. I never know what time it is. Sometimes I know it’s too early to get up. Sometimes I know I’m late, but I never know what time it is exactly. When I woke today, I had to know. I could not find that clock fast enough.
7:34am. I knew just seeing the numbers would flip a switch. I sunk back into the soft bed and let my awakened memory wander. This time last year, I was about to have a baby. 7:34am, March 13, 2012…I remembered that I had just texted my midwife. Contractions were short, but intense, and getting closer. Exactly one year earlier, I was alone, in labor, taking a bath and realizing that there was no doubt that my baby was on his way. Only then I didn’t know he was a he. That made me smile. A big, big smile tore at my skin when I remembered the feeling of not knowing yet if I had a boy or a girl. In that exact moment, a year ago, I still didn’t know.
It lasted all day today. Even though I wasn’t checking the clock obsessively this day last year, every time I saw a number today, I flew back to the moment I was in a year ago. At 9:44, I was pacing and talking to the baby in my belly. At 11:00, I was in hard labor waiting for Christy to arrive and feeling like such a rockstar. 12:51pm, he was born. 1:30 or so, he nursed for the first time. 3:00pm, we napped.